Ever Alone
by FandaticForeverAndAlways
Summary: "They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love." – Johanna Mason. What happened, how it happened, that she lost every person she loved. *Johanna/Seneca/Romance/Mentioned*


**Summary:**** "They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love." – Johanna Mason. What happened, how it happened, that she lost every person she loved.**

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**Ever Alone**

_Once a Victor – always a Victor._

_Once a Victor – never again will you live the pathetic and almost beggary of a life that you once did. _

_Once a Victor – you'll have the peace and comfort. _

_Once a Victor – you'll never live in the fear of being chosen again._

_Once a Victor – you are your own master. _

Everything . . . was a lie.

They wanted her to do as they bid. They wanted her to obey everything they said. They wanted her to never betray them. They wanted her to sell herself to them. They wanted her to be their slave. They had wanted her to forget her morals. They wanted her – they just wanted her.

But she was proud and arrogant. She had come out as a Victor, and of course life would finally be at its best, right? Or so she had thought – and she had refused.

_Victors are our pawns. You are nothing more than what we want you to be. _

She should have listened.

She should have heeded their warning.

She should have agreed.

They had killed them – her parents – in front of her five year old brother, Jack Mason. They had left his young soul, sitting in their pool of blood.

_We have our ways to make you agree. _

She should have known – she blamed herself. Jack was never the same. He didn't grow out of it. He dreamt of their parents every night, and there was nothing she could do to protect him from his nightmares. There was nothing she could do – nothing but physically safeguard him.

She lost her arrogance, she lost her pride, and she was hardly a shadow of who she used to be. Now she lived in fear that any moment, her brother would be taken away from her too.

_As long as you play by our rules –_

That sentence was never completed, but she knew what was at the end of it. As long as she played by their rules, her brother would never be hurt.

She gave herself to them, in everyway they asked.

She had never felt so impure, never felt so defiled, and never felt so helpless. She wanted to rise up – she wanted to put them in their places – she wanted to show them of what she was capable of – she wanted to avenge.

But she didn't. She always thought of it, always dreamt of it, but never did she try it. Her brother's life was too precious. She couldn't lose him, but deep down, she knew – that the day her parents had been murdered in front of him, she had lost him. She was only holding onto him physically, his spirit was long gone.

But she continued to hold him – he was her only family.

Years passed, she still pleased them. She didn't have any limits, Jack was her only limit, and keeping him safe was her only morale. One day, she didn't know what happened, she hadn't been in her senses, she had been too drunk and that was her biggest mistake.

_It's going to cost you. Very much._

And it did. It cost her – the only family she had left. It had come as a surprise to both of them – she and _them_. She knew that they tortured him to teach her a lesson, but she also knew that they never meant to kill. But they had. It was an accident, and her brother was gone, her only family, her only person was gone.

As much as she felt the sorrow, in a strange way, she was relieved. For the first time since she had won the Games, she felt calm and peaceful.

She knew one thing – they didn't have anything or anyone to keep her on a leash. She was once more her own master. Accidentally, she had been broken of all the bonds that had been holding her.

She was free – but never of the pain and loss. But they didn't have to know that. She was alone, and they didn't have any claim on her. She flounced that fact in their faces. She mocked them in every way she could. She showed them that she wasn't a part of their game anymore.

But that was all she could ever do. She knew that, and they did too.

Despite all the freedom, she had never been that chained. All she made them see was just for their sakes, and it was nothing but pretence. She knew in her heart, that the pain would never leave her.

She had the world's riches, and everything materialistic. But all she wanted was love and companionship. She didn't have anyone in her life, and knew that she never would – she vowed to herself that she would never give them a chance. She couldn't risk going through that pain again. She could never get close to anyone – and she would always be alone - she had accepted it.

A few years passed, her only friends were her fellow victors. They were the only ones whom she could afford to call friends – but never love.

That was until she saw _him_ – his black hair set gelled in perfection, his beard shaved in curves which made him look sexy, his blue eyes always shining. And when he looked at her, stared back with equal intensity, she couldn't step back. She had fallen – fallen hard for Seneca Crane.

She knew he was one of them, and she knew that she should stay away but you can't help who you fall for.

_We are watching you._

That should have been enough to stop her, but love makes you do stupid things. But he was one of _them_. They wouldn't hurt him. He was important to them. He led the charge – they wouldn't hurt him.

She put on an act; she made them believe that she was mocking them yet again. She wanted them to think that but they weren't fooled**.** No one could deny the sparks between Johanna and Seneca. No one could deny the love that existed between them.

_You will pay for this_.

Yes, she knew she one day would. But in that moment, she was sure of his safety – he was their man, and they were certainly not going to hurt him.

When she was with him, she was untouchable. He made sure of that. There was a void in her heart which she knew no one could fill, but with him she almost forgot that it existed in her. He made her happy, and for the first time since all the atrocities, she could see a different future. She began to wonder if she really could have a better ending than the one she had thought she would have. She began to question her anger and hatred. And with that, she began to loose herself.

She had never dreamt that he could make a mistake too, and it had never crossed her mind that he could be taken away from her. When it did – it was too late.

_This is not what we had wanted to, but for now it will do._

He was gone.

They had killed yet another part of her.

The loss of Seneca Crane took her last possibility of love. She was alone and nothing . . . again.

Anger returned, and hatred filled her heart. The voids were never replaced; they were the only ones which held loss and pain. But the vengeance made her ignore them.

_It's time._

She was thrown back into the arena – once more. She had done everything to survive its horror the first time, the second seemed unbearable. The Quarter Quell – the 75th Hunger Games – may the odds be ever in your favor – to her it was, _the odds will never be in my favor._

Ever moment was a torture, but she didn't show it on her face. She didn't want to give them the satisfaction. She owed it to her dead family, and in a way even to the man (despite him being one of them. But she had learnt – he had just been a pawn. And pawns could be lost when required, just as he had been.)

This time, it was different. She knew something which they didn't. And she was a part of something that could throw them – a rebellion. But she kept it to herself knowing that her secret would be revealed in time.

That didn't mean it guaranteed her life's safety, but she didn't need it. She was ready to die. Her life consisted of no one but herself. And that was hardly a life! She watched the couple in front of her – the void in her came alive, twisting and crying in pain.

The way Peeta was saying all the right things to convince Katniss . . .

"Of course Peeta's right. The whole country adores Katniss' little sister. If they really killed her like this, they'd probably have an uprising on their hands." She said out loud.

_Anger – Pain – Loss – Anger – Pain – Loss – Anger – Pain – Loss – _

"Don't want that, do they?" She shouted at the sky. "Whole country in rebellion? Wouldn't want anything like that!" She scoffed. It would have sounded sarcastic if there hadn't been anger lacing her every word.

She stared ahead, not meeting anyone's eyes. She didn't want to meet their shocked faces, and see their thoughts in their eyes. "I'm going to get water," she said, wanting to get away from the sudden claustrophobia.

Before she could get away, Katniss reached out for her and said, "Don't go in there. The birds ––"

She shook her hand free. "They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love."

She walked into the jungle, knowing that she wouldn't hear any cries of pain that had tortured Katniss and Finnick. She was right – the mutts were silent – she heard nothing.

But the silence was far more painful and unnerving.

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**AN:**** OK, I'm emotionally exhausted. I feel so sad for Johanna, yes she put on a brave front in the books – but underneath she was just hurt repeatedly. This is my outtake on her. I'm a little curious on your reaction. I hope you liked it. =) Review? **


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